The Reasons: Part 1

Today has been hard. The last five days have been up and down and round and round. I've never felt comfortable talking (or in this case, writing) about how I deal with my emotions. It's because I'm intrinsically bad at doing it, and I avoid it if I can. Every time I attempt to explain what I'm feeling it comes out wrong: my voice doesn't reflect what I'm trying to say, or I can't look the person in the eye because I feel too vulnerable.

One of the greatest strengths I value in people - possibly because I somewhat lack it - is being able to tell the people you love that you love them. To tell them when they've hurt you. To tell them that you can't possibly conceive living without them in your life. For a long time I was scared of the consequences of being strong enough to voice these things. And now... now I've lost the chance to say them. I've lost the power to fix everything that was wrong - because I could have. I really could have,

I only have myself to blame for it, if I'm being perfectly honest with myself. I pushed and pushed away with my silence. How naive I was to think that it would all be OK; how naive I was to not realise that insecurities and doubt fester in the silence. Miscommunication, that's all it was.

I wish I was stronger. And this has taught me that I must be, in order to be completely open and honest with myself and with others. I have to change, it's not an option.